words · for · myself · (and · others)

with a pencil in hand
i scribble my apologies
long enough to put on paper
shove in an envelope
send into space
to the moon to the stars
not enough postage
loose dreams in a blue box

white paper under my fingers
the smooth cool on my skin
i feel the weave
light and thin
the edge where i cut
my finger finding blood
red stains on the letter
i wrote in my sleep

i've translated the voices
tongues in my head
they're waging wars over butter
guns and spider silk thread
telling me all i can do
is breathe in the air
chlorine and fluoride
side effects of making mistakes

maybe i fucked up
or sunk treasure too soon
buried my heart at wounded knee
stopped praying to the moon
i've whistled and listened
this scene keeps repeating
i build more lies
but memories can't be deleted

Martin flicked ash off his half-smoked cigarette. His life was a series of starts, a history of beginnings to unfinished projects. He progressed not in fits but as a lazy, meandering stream. He claimed never to be bored, but before long he would drift off to another pursuit, eagerly following it until something else caught his eye.

Though his focus was academia--study, instruction, and writing--he had a certain way with the ladies that kept them under his spell even as he drifted from one to the next. He had no overarching theory to explain his behavior, no underlying philosophy that directed his life. He simply followed his interests, leaving unfinished business and hulking shells in his wake. His life was a city of bankrupt skyscrapers.

was it you was it you
dreaming of me in the shower
turning the water into iron
the steel in my veins
becoming liquid diamonds
my best friend
alive in my blood
when i died i revived
or was it you
phoenixed into stars
before i had a chance
to say how much you matter to me
losing the world
for a moment of dreams
my lifeline dollar sign
this is what i really feel

i am the pounding drum that beats in your blood
the heat from the sun that dries all the mud
the crack in your head that never seals
the broken heart you pray never heals
i am the buzzing speaker you blew out
the hurtful words that love is about
the damaged army of plastic men
the day you go out and can't get back in
i am the death of a buried desire
the promises broken over a flat tire
the family you betrayed when you crossed the border
the chaos that keeps finding its way through order
i am eloquence and i am defeat
i am you dying bleeding in the street
i am the time you spent getting straight
i am everything you hate

i lie to the sun about proximity
tell tales to the dreamers
about how much they mean to me
i haven't been faithful or true
since before i was born
in 1972
even now i whisper in your ear
untruths and delusions
you can't help but leave
sell your soul with my charm
to a machine built from the backs
of a million honest men who
couldn't see through my smile
i lie to the sun
it's brighter than i say
that light will never die
but i talk the truth away
women who thought they loved me
never saw my pocket watch
i'm not a hypnotist
i've never been shy
the magician on this outdoor stage
bombarding you with cosmic rays
he doesn't know i made them up
his parents and his children too
so i lie to the sun
it never catches on
i can get away with anything
even breaking your heart

i'm going to make mistakes with you
won't get it right
all the time
but these hands they're yours
these lips and sighs
they speak volumes when you're not around
and send signals
to the moon
your body is my home
a temple
a place to worship
i'll whisper truth to your ears
and you'll breathe fire
or cry blood
until you purify the air
and release my soul

exhale
you fool
inhale again
breathe
stay calm
you're ready
it's yours

exhale
inhale
breathe
calm
ready
yours

shake
sweat
nervous jittery
let a beat carry you
somewhere free
as on waves
as on air

pressure
preparedness
too deep to
climb out now

in
out
relax
motherfucker relax
this is all you can do

once it's over
the world will begin again
just as before
but better
time for you
time for believing
all your work
paid off

inhale
ex
breathe out
rest
find your coat
take the bus
be ready be alert
you're going to rock

i crawl
but i won't be silenced
all the voices
they won't be silenced
screaming in my head
can't be silenced
time to let them out
won't be silenced

do not silence me

can't sing
with ears filled
can't hear
with mouth in the sand
can't breathe
choking on the stench
of a million dying dreams
crushed under the weight
of screaming millionaires

do not silence me

this fall
i forged an ounce of gold
into an unstoppable bullet
a period
an endpoint
the sign of completion
required for this function
to be performed
and i put it in your skull
where no one will ever find it

i won't be silenced

could you slide
left and right
dancefloor dream
but not tonight
the garden's gone
the home destroyed
burned down the entire town
where i crawled
cobblestone streets
bloody knees
i've shed so many layers of skin
i don't know which one's were mine
and which were filth
from the liars around me

i won't be silenced

crying out by the wall
under the tower
outside the gates
speaking truth
whether you want to hear it or not
my voice will fill your skull
as all the voices of the world
fill mine

i shall be heard

coming free one night
one star out of the countless many
this one burns a path
from space to your heart
scorching your soul
an echo of the words
that all men know

i shall be heard

nothing left for you
do you feel me now
hear my heart beating
punching you in the gut
i'm alive i'm sure
more alive than you
breathing in the smog
the smoke of everyone
cobras vomited forth
from central planning
ravenous for my eyes
i'll wear glasses tonight
and as my skin cracks open
dried out and broken
the blood will be claws
tearing at your bones
this history is through with us
we are through with you
tangled up in muted cheers
broken down and blue
my heart repeating
the songs from long ago
a legend of believing in something
forgotten and only half-told
this is how i smile now
once a white brigade
now cracked and broken
a mouth full of gold

you are the only place
i felt safe
forgetting drowned paper
sleeping by the dripping water
i've relived nights
on concrete floors
but nothing is ever the same
a cold shoulder
twisted tentacles around my throat
this weight never lifted
except by your hand
your soft voice
carrying me through the night
in a forest
or over the telephone
i'm falling with the trees
laughed at and buried
you kept me going but
now i'll never be safe again

and this is where i get lost
crawling around your head
trickling through your ears
from tinny speakers on the shelf
i could be the song
that never resurfaces
trapped under the weight
of your preponderant wickedness
but i'll whistle out
in melody one fateful day
and the woman you love will turn on you
how could you be that way
i've changed millions of lives
you're just the latest fling
when night comes for dreams
you won't know what to think
that's when i take over
slipping down your spine
like the tingler with vincent price
i'm going to shock your mind
and this is where i get lost
in the folds of grey
floating in your skull
waiting to be made okand this is where i get lost
crawling around your head
trickling through your ears
from tinny speakers on the shelf
i could be the song
that never resurfaces
trapped under the weight
of your preponderant wickedness
but i'll whistle out
in melody one fateful day
and the woman you love will turn on you
how could you be that way
i've changed millions of lives
you're just the latest fling
when night comes for dreams
you won't know what to think
that's when i take over
slipping down your spine
like the tingler with vincent price
i'm going to shock your mind
and this is where i get lost
in the folds of grey
floating in your skull
waiting to be made ok

i was born with doubt in my veins
bubbling through my blood
i could hold my breath for a while
it wouldn't do me any good
the crisp air of a cold morning
woke me from a happy dream
every experience teaches me
i don't know how to do anything
make a fist and i smile
fight is my first thought
but second-guessing my disease
i always run but get caught

we are the night
you are the quarry
this is where they excavated graves
limestone for building mausoleums
bolted shut with heavy iron doors
to keep you from rising again
we hunt in shadows
you hide with superstition
no cross or light will stop this disease
spreading through your veins
over your skin out your eyes
stop breathing but stay alive
with teeth and hair
cold fingers hold you down
we'll feed as we wish
you're one of us now

we were plastic
we were metal
we were tapes played on the car radio
late night driving
in my mother's car
looking for you on the side of the road
through deserts
through trees
over hills and around the cities
i was everywhere
you were not
and violently falling apart

it was doomed from the start
why couldn't i see it then
would have lived so much better
if i'd known where we'd end

we were rain
we were leaves
we were caught under falling trees
sunshine loving
in a brief summer
writing our hearts onto our sleeves
sleeping in late
sleeping together
we dreamt of ghosts and future weather
you were distant
i was caught
what we shared was hope and thought

it was doomed from the start
why couldn't we see it then
would have lived so much better
if we'd known where we'd end

we were memories
we were paper
we were letters living an illusion

we were doomed from the start
but couldn't see it then
our lives never got better
and our lives will never end

it's obvious i have an axe to grind
an urge to punch you in the face
if you touch my girl again
no, don't think you're my friend

it's not like this exists
in a total vacuum
word gets around, fucker
i'm going to black your eyes out

box your ears for a good long year
break your kneecaps for standing there
feigning innocence
i have it from the bitch's mouth

unfulfilled at home don't come
crawling around here no more
we're selling bug poison
and you'll drink it by the gallon

settling scores this week
you're first on the list
i am not afraid of you
and i will beat your ass

What it's like for everyone else

what it's like for everyone else
all oi can do os be myself
it doesn't feel like itaks working well
enough to make me cry

Caught fire

i burned down the forest
touching your tattoos
how i spark when excited
catch fire when i'm with you

Scarlet

the A i wanted to burn on my skin
i put it off to be with you
if i could make this promise work
it wouldn't be true
but i've betrayed your trust
ruined love for both of us
after every change i made
i turn out still the same

nine miles down in the city of wind
i'm not hiding that's just pretend
sun is shining it's time to begin
time for burning all the dead men
got heart and promises
worn like sleeves
doused in oil
smoking the kerosene
could be love in the city of wind
but it's time for burning dead women

sound companion
blast rooftops in summer
rock rap jazz
independent brothers
it's all about moving the city we're in
all about stealing the power of wind
i turn invisible for one bright day
the worst crimes in history and i get away
could be love in the city of wind
but it's time for burns from x-girlfriends

i'm not
on fire
hopeful
for an ending
but that part
hides
it's not working out

the relationship between the present
and being better
would improve
if i weren't afraid
if i didn't want
what hides from me

don't get close
don't even breathe
don't look
don't see

i'll only fuck you up

turn on the ice water
pray for rain
wash out that emotion
turn off
the lust in your veins
i'm not holding you
i'm not fucking you tonight
no kissing no heavy petting
don't even say my name

this isn't my standing
my seated phase either
the truncated breathing
should have tipped you off
i'm not over
the well
the wall
the blanket in the car
those stains we made
are clean and gone
pushed outside
blown away

i'm not focused
not even here
let someone get hurt
let someone feel fear
i should have been
i have been told
now let me do this
my way
don't try to love me

i'll only fuck you up